There have been times in my life when I’ve nearly lost my faith altogether. There has even been a time where I could have easily held the label of an Atheist, all while continuing to teach Sunday School.
But that’s not the kind of thing you go around telling people in the middle of your struggle. That’s the sort of thing you share once you’ve conquered the doubt, lest someone judge you an apostate.
Funnily, my issue of crisis wasn’t one of pain. It had nothing to do with hard theology or why bad things happen to good people, or why children starve to death, or why evil is allowed to exist.
No, sadly, the number one killer of my faith has been … the church.
The church has caused me to doubt the power and goodness of the Christian God.
The church has caused me to doubt that a transforming power really exists in Christianity.
Why? Because I’ve been surrounded by people who know a lot about God and who know they should love God and follow God, but I’ve seen very few who actually surrender to him in a way that changes them – that transforms them in such a powerful way that it’s like they’ve been born all over again.
What I have seen are people who want to be transformed, and who study more and more of the right thing (or don’t), hoping it will save them.
And yes, you could argue that people are just that -people. And that none of us are perfect and we’re constantly being “refined” and growing in the Lord.
There’s truth in that. But it’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the majority of people not following the teachings of Jesus at all – simply wearing his name, caught up in the world like wheat choked out by weeds.
I was choked by weeds, too. Wanting fruit. Wanting power. Wanting transformation. Yet unable to put my finger on it.
I’ve heard the teachings of Jesus modified and rationalized away from the pulpit. “Yes, you should give your life to Jesus – but he doesn’t require that much of you. Yes, you should give your resources to Jesus -but not too much (Also, he particularly wants you to pay his “staff” and his utilities). Yes, we all have to pick up our cross and follow – but not too heavy of one, in fact wearing one around your neck will do just fine.
We’ve filled the pews, but have we filled our hearts?
So, to keep my faith, I’ve had to leave the church. I’ve had to leave the man-made bits that have turned my relationship into a religion, to seek a more natural community with other believers who are also struggling to believe inside the walls of the church.
And it feels good, y’all. It feels right.
-Jessica
picture by Brian Erickson via Dreamstime.
Your courage is beautiful Jessica and I believe God is molding you into the woman he wants you to be.
I admire your honesty and your strength. I pray that your walk with God increases and your life is transformed.
The same can be said for the church that I attend. I’ve been lucky enough to find myself in the part of the church that includes people that really live their lives for God. The ones that pray, listen, and obey. My church has been blessed to have a majority of people that live like this. I thank God everyday for that.
Kayla G. recently posted..If You Think You Have It All Figured Out…You Don’t
I look forward to continue reading through your journey. It is so nice to know you are not the only one who struggles with the institution of Church.
HeatherB recently posted..Days you fail. Epically.
I’m three years into this journey. One spring I thought maybe it would be better to give up God then to continue bearing the cross… because bearing doesn’t look anything like wearing it on your neck. What I had learned – my whole life, which was church 3-5 times a week, and being involved from everything to leading worship, directing outreach and teaching Sunday School, to just sitting in the pew being, was that what we teach and what we desire DOES NOT come close to living truth.
We dance around each other, pretending like we can’t see the cancerous growths, the major lies, the rosy-colored glasses and the circling wagons of gossip, but we don’t live real or true.
REAL AND TRUE – isn’t polite, politically correct.
Real and True – is labeled judgmental, naive, and not good for business.
Church almost killed my faith – the people of God living asleep destroyed everything I had ever known. Then one day a year after leaving the building and the fake gathering and the shallow – I woke up.
Community didn’t heal me. God did.
Trusting Jesus to walk beside you and show you His love – his truth. He is Faithful and True. ♥
Jessica recently posted..when you wonder how God speaks | what I’ve learned
Know that you are supported. I can’t say much more, but I am encouraged by your journey, so keep writing and sharing your story.
Sarah recently posted..And the soul felt its worth….
You are not alone girl. I’m really enjoying your posts on leaving the institutional church. It almost killed my faith as well. The church just isn’t what it should be.
Going to church doesn’t make you Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes me a Cadillac. Even if I stood in a garage religiously each week (pun intended) it still doesn’t make me a Cadillac.
And I totally agree with Jessica M when she said-”REAL AND TRUE – isn’t polite, politically correct.”
So. True.
Sonita Lewis recently posted..More Mommy Than Blogger – Part 1
“Yes, we all have to pick up our cross and follow – but not too heavy of one, in fact wearing one around your neck will do just fine.”
I LOVE THAT LINE! I have known so many people with that attitude.
I SO wish I lived in south Georgia right now!!!
Judy recently posted..It all starts with Compassion
I am right there with you.
My story is one of where a church basically imploded. After attending a church for most of my life- my family & I investing much time, prayer, & money into the church and then all the stuff that happened just because a certain group felt as if they had to be in control & wasn’t….I basically turned my back on it. At one time I told someone we’re spending more time fighting within the church than we are showing our communtiy love, that’s not what church is suppose to be about.
At one time I found myself questioning my faith.
I still find myself weary of going back into any church because deep down I believe all churches have problems and you just do not know about it until you get involved in it. It may not be as bad as the church I attended…the horror stories I could tell.
I want authenticity.
Thank you for being transparent about your journey. I can relate is SO many ways. My own faith has been stagnant for several years and it’s a terrible place to be! The truly frustrating thing about sharing struggles of faith with others is that I receive 2 responses – a look of horror and avoidance or a “I’ll pray for you.” I understand the first one; the person doesn’t know what to do with me. The second response makes me want to throw up.
Stephanie’s Mommy Brain recently posted..Mistress Pat by L.M. Montgomery
That phrase ‘born again’….
In the South – before ‘born again’ was the thing to say regarding conversion – the expression was put this way: ‘I was seized by the power of a great affection.’
If that doesn’t describe what it means to be overcome and undone by God’s Incanational love, I don’t know what does.
Thanks for this, J.K. Your heart and words reveal you have, indeed, been seized.
I used to deliberately work on Sundays to avoid church. I’ve had similar experiences and frustrations with church. The church described in the New Testament met in homes, not in mega buildings that required fundraising. The whole point of Jesus coming was to remove the need to worship at a central place (the Temple) because Jesus paid the sacrifice and now we can worship in our hearts, in community with other believers (not in a building!).
Christy Bower @christybower recently posted..Release Expectations: Overcoming Anxiety through Surrender to God
I was blessed that even as a child I could see the difference between God and the church so none of things that happened shook my faith in him. I will, however, probably never call my Christian. I can’t do it, the word just sounds so dirty after everything I’ve seen under that banner.
Jenna recently posted..Conversation with an almost-2-year-old
I just tell people, “I follow the teachings of Jesus.” instead. Plus, saying it like that makes it sound a little like I know Kung Fu or something :)
Jeremy recently posted..Why it took us so long to leave. {Leaving the church – Part 3}
This post makes me sad for two reasons: one, I have been there before and two, that is not the way church is supposed to be. I have begged God to release me from my local church because of politics and drama. But, He reminds me that koinonia, biblical community is His design for the Church and part of that is lived out through a local body of believers.
I think that’s the key word there: community. Not: “group of people with whom you shake hands and sit beside once a week and otherwise never see in the context of daily life”. We desire fellowship in the truest definition of the word. I feel like the concept of what we call church is fundamentally flawed, and doesn’t empower people to have a true community. I mean, even (mythical) King Arthur understood the need for a round table, and yet we have pews.
People that go to business school get taught about room dynamics. That’s a real thing. The room you’re in, and the way it’s set up, really affects how people act. Putting up a stage and a podium (pulpit) puts it in people’s minds that they should be listening and not talking or thinking up their own ideas.
Jeremy recently posted..Why it took us so long to leave. {Leaving the church – Part 3}
I am almost speechless from reading this. I am Six Years out of the IC..and I must admit it was very hard for me and I was lonely a lot but the good news is we have the Lord. Awesome and I look Forward to hearing more from you in days to come. God Bless!! http://www.youtube.com/blazeman1
Thanks for your transparency. Several years ago I wrote about my own journey from “church” to ekklesia, and it may encourage you. http://crossroadjunction.com/2009/09/17/table-church/
i can relate to this post. and it is so sad, because, as someone else stated above, it was never how it was meant to be. I’m thankful that I finally do have a church home that functions more as a ‘community’ that genuinely cares.
thank you for sharing your story.
karla porter archer recently posted..Naturalé
I’m just saying, Religion Made Me Fat.