If my wife will permit me, I’d like to run a really high-brow series through here. I don’t know exactly what I’d like to call it, maybe something more like “Me and Sleep vs. Things”. Because that’s pretty much the theme.
See, life has themes. One of mine is “things crawl on me in my sleep”. I wish I didn’t have enough stories with this theme to run a whole series, but I do. Let’s begin.
*****
The scene opens in a room. A very tiny room. The tiny-ness is important, because if it were larger, I could have just moved out of Hell’s way. But as it was, I couldn’t. It was so tiny, in fact, that I’m pretty sure it was a pantry once.
My parents were missionaries in Nigeria, so I was there for 9th grade. It was my fourth year in the country, and I had pretty much lost my grip on reality by that point, because that’s what Nigeria does to you. That’s why they arrest goats there. So I was operating pretty much within the framework of, “Oh screw it, sure, why not?” As in: anything’s possible.
BUT, as most people go—sane or otherwise—I like stuff to stay out of my bed.
That, as it turns out, is not a luxury Nigeria affords.
So, I’m in my tiny room, asleep one morning, when the impossible—once again—happens. I’m laying in bed. I open my eyes to stare up at the bare rafters of my tin-roofed bedroom. I see a magical creature.
Sure, why not.
I’m not explaining well enough exactly how tiny my room is, and exactly how few places there are in it to run from Magic. So here’s a picture:
Now, the key element in all of this is vulnerability. I’m in my tiny room. My happy place. BUT, I’m in my bed. In my underwear. I’m not wearing good heavy stomping-sized shoes. I’m not wearing jeans to deflect Satan’s bullets. I’m wearing boxers. Heck, in 9th grade I didn’t even have any chest hair or a sweet beard to protect me. I feel completely vulnerable and unprepared.
So, I’m laying there like a baby lamb, still half asleep. Waking up to a sunny African morning. The birds are chirping away outside. I open my innocent, sleepy eyes, and hanging from my rafter, I see this:
Immediately, I notice that it’s twitching back and forth. It has 8 legs. It has 2 tails. It is not a spider. The flow chart for my reality doesn’t accommodate this. I notice in the very center of its body, a single massive, bulging eye staring down at me, while the body continues to twitch.
Usually, when I first wake up and Something That Doesn’t Exist stares at me I’m like, “Ok, this is one of those crappy dreams where you think you’re awake, but really you still have to trick yourself through like 8 of these fake wake-up dreams that they only use in crappy horror movies.” But then my brain convinces me I’m really, truly awake.
Then, Insanity twitches one last time, slips off the rafter, swings desperately by one of its 8 legs, and then falls on my bare, hairless, innocent lamb-like chest.
And, I commence to lose my crap.
I make a sound like a choo-choo and run in place on my pillow—because I can’t go anywhere in that Stupid Tiny Room. Satan’s Minion slowly thrashes on my sheet.
Eventually, I notice that it’s actually TWO things. Two lizards, that we all called Push-up Lizards (duh, because they like to do push-ups—again, welcome to Nigeria). They have glossy black bodies, and bright orangish-yellow heads and tails. They are about a foot long, tail and all. So about two feet long, in this case.
Somehow, one fine African morning, these two lizards had gotten into a fight, and one of them had been like, “Oh yeah, PONK? Well—I EAT UR HED!!!”
And thus, was my grip on sanity ever-so-slightly-more loosened.
That’s very funny.
Now I wonder what I’d do in that situation… Something wimpy, definitely.
thegirlnamedjack recently posted..Emily Flameheart… Apologies?
You would definitely make a sound like a choo choo.
This was simply funny until I arrived at the end where I realize how large the lizards were.. I had assumed they were like a couple inches long, not feet. Creepy dude.
Traci recently posted..Water, Cookies, Faith, and A Boy
At least they don’t have real teeth, just those lizard teeth. They are just a bit bigger than “I’d like that on me” size though :)
Needs a warning: do not read with sleeping child beside you. I hope Jeremy didn’t want sympathy for this :)
Nah, no sympathy required. If I didn’t have to go through stuff like that as a kid, I probably wouldn’t be thinking, “Yeah, Asia sounds like a fair place to move to.”
Besides, now I know I’m invincible… I think…
Life has been the other way for me…. I was invincible when I was young but after I got into the working world that invincibility was beat out of me. My reliance on God has become more and more apparent the older I get. I think my grown kids still think I am invincible but I try to dispel that notion when life discussions come up. I half joking tell them… Life is Hard then you die. I also constantly tell them to “Relish the Journey” for life is made of moments and memories not so much the destination.
Jeremy,
Enjoyable post. By the way my son was a Ranger in the Army who got out last January.
I laughed out loud at this one. I can remember the fear of scorpians dropping on me while in Venequela and can only imagine the sounds I would have made if ever one had. Thank you for making my day. Yes creepy and the poor boy, now I feel bad for laughing, but the picture. It’s like when you laugh at your children and then realize you shouldn’t have. Oh boy.
Kristin Kraabel recently posted..Anxiety, mourning, sadness and worries
Fear of scorpions is a valid fear. No judgment. I feel like they should give you a list of pictures for each country with things like “this one bites” or “this is lethal” . So you know which ones to actually freak out about.
choo choo..rofl seriously
:)
Jeeesus! I would not be able to sleep again ever again!
Alexandra recently posted..Tips for Raising Bilingual Children
I can’t tell you how incredibly disturbing that was to me…..
You would have heard my scream across the globe if I had endured that horror. Glad you survived, if slightly less sane than prior. :)
HeatherB recently posted..May the Force be With You
Always less… that’s why I have “wash your sweater” written on the back of my hand right now :)
Hi-freakin’-larious.
That totally beats the roach I found in my bed… ;)
Kelli recently posted..How do you mourn a dying dream?
Oh, I’m probably going to devote an entire post to roaches too!
:)
Kelli recently posted..How do you mourn a dying dream?
That’s very rare and the worst nightmare ever! I would rather sleep again! Well, anyway I know all is well and I think you really need some rest.
Ashleen Moreen recently posted..Pivot Doors – An Artful Way to Mark an Entrance
This is overdue, but: did Jess tell you this post reminded me of an Oatmeal cartoon…and that I gave it a shoutout as such on my blog? See the “recently posted” link. =)
Connie recently posted..Favorite Finds: January 2013