Parenting – What It’s Really Like

Parenting. No one thinks they’re ready, and yet at the same time most of us start out thinking we know exactly what it’s all about. Parenting is easy before you ever have kids.

 

But what is parenting really like? Well, follow this easy 15 step program and you too can experience the joys of parenthood.

 

What it's really like to live with kids.

 

Step 1. Take the toilet paper roll off. Put an empty one on.


Step 2. Invite someone else to poop in your bathroom. Leave the fan off. Occasionally leave the door open as well.


Step 3. Do not flush.


Step 4. Repeat this every few hours throughout the day.


Step 5. Pay someone to lock themselves in the bathroom for at least 5 minutes whenever they see you walking towards it.


Step 6. Have someone randomly approach you 5 times an hour and ask, “What can I eat?” Have them reject all your suggestions.


Step 7. Have two other people paid to repeat step 6. Make sure they wait until you finally sit down after having successfully fed the first person AND make sure they reject what you fed the first person, unless that was the last one of those. Then have them want it, and only it.


Step 8. Pay three people to wrestle in your living room until one of them gets hurt. Make sure they understand not to stop when you tell them to.


Step 9. Pay one of the 4 people to whisper whenever they talk to you, and yell whenever they talk to everyone else.


Step 10. Have one of these same people open every door, drawer, bag, lid, etc in the house. Have one of the other people be unable to do any of this, ever.


Step 11. Wet a dog. Leave it in your house, just for the general dampness and smell. Not because you own a dog. If you do own a dog, it will have escaped during step 10.


Step 12. Have someone turn on everything. If it has batteries, leave it on until the batteries die.  Make sure they tell no one.

 

Step 13. Take one bite out of every fruit you own. Display them on bookshelves and dressers.

 

Step 14. Pay someone to pee in your bed. Make sure they wait until you have no clean sheets.

 

Step 15. Last but not least, have someone come into your room when you’re fast asleep and stare at you until their sheer presence rips you from peaceful slumber and into the horror movie that is now your life.

 

You did it!

Doesn’t that feel great? And remember, there’s no guarantee you’re not screwing them up and making crappy adults. But hey, at least they’ll be out of the house one day and dealing with their own little bed-wetters.

 

P.S. Now go offer to babysit for your frazzled friends who need a break.

P.P.S. We love our kids. This is satire.

P.P.P.S. What would you add to the list?

 

Jessica

 

Comments

  1. YES. I just found my son’s belt. In the downstairs bathroom. In the basket where we keep clean hand towels and extra toilet paper. Which, incidentally, the only thing in the basket is a dirty towel and the belt. Which, incidentally, he NEEDS the belt to keep his pants up because we have to buy larger pants to fit his super long legs. I’m wondering how he’s faring at school right now.

  2. This is brilliant, brilliant, it made me laugh! I would also include:

    16. Throw all of 4 people toys, Lego and clothes on the floor in every room in the house and run all around. Don’t let them help cleaning the mess.

    17. Make those people take all your devices when you are working and writing Sth important (computer, laptop, iPad, iPhone, etc.)

    18. Make them wake you up every 2 hours at nihgt for 5 years because they are hungry or sick.

    19. Always make sure that those people run away when on the picnic, beach, walk, in the park or shopping.

    20. Make them wake you up early in the morning and shouting: get up! get up! get up! until you get up.

  3. Make sure, at least once a day, all 4 have to poo at the same time and there are only three toilets.

  4. They all take off one or more clothing item and hide it. You won’t be able to find it when it’s time to go…. Oh, and ten minutes after you leave the house, they all have to pee.

    • Or you don’t notice they’re missing said clothing item until you get to your destination. My son once went to church barefoot.

  5. Having twenty plus children in a classroom can be fun at times…But then I can hand them back to their parents at the end of the day…

  6. Love this post! It’s as if you live in my house! I would add, pay someone to open every board game in the house, remove all the pieces. Put half the pieces back in the wrong box and scatter the rest of the pieces around the house and yard.

  7. Parenting westie Jahan and cat Siam is also a lot of fun.
    Since a few days, Cat Siam has decided that the perfect time to visit us once a day and get feed is about 1am. As the first time he did, I put his plate outside, now he expects me to do it again and again (no way my litle dictator, I’m not your slave and you’ll wait tomorrow morning). Of course, each time he’s inside home, he first shout at me to have food, then to have hugs, and if I’m busy he makes sure to jump on me, stopping my work. He’s the King.
    Westie Jahan has decided it’s more fun to escape and visit our dog neighbours at night. If I don’t drive the car around without him, there’s no chance to catch him (and as he’s very clever, it’s more and more difficult even this way). So now, the funniest way to poop for him is to go with me in the garden. And of course, if I don’t spend my time saying “Jahan, stay here”, he makes sure to try to escape during my two seconds distraction…
    If when I go to bed, both of them are here, they will make sure to occupy the whole bed and look at me “you want something, slave ?”
    I love them too :-D

    • Yes, pets are babies, too! You could make a hilarious list about them. Lol.

      • Oh sure ! Especially because my westie thinks he’s a cat lol. He grew up with the cat of a neighbour and, when we moved, I took a cat at home especially for him. So he really does a lot of things like a cat : jumping instead of running, walking putting the paws very high slowly, playing the same way like a hunting game, rubing himself on people’s legs… My dog is a crazy cat.

  8. This article made me laugh, I guess it’s not easy living with kids (but of course we love them) and imagine that they would start acting as a grown up, it would spoil all the fun of being a kid and a parent :D

  9. Love your sense of humor. We don’t have kids, but I can see how this can happen every day. :)

  10. In my house, they have n6 down to a fine art. White bread tends to get accepted but hey, never count on it as the moment you do, they’ll never touch it again!

  11. Sounds like a lot of work :) Hopefully no expecting parents find this list!

  12. This is all so true. And though I do get tired of wiping butts, I’ll always love how much I am needed. My guys are my best frenemies and I love them so much.

  13. Before you start to wrestle you have to get out every game and all of their pieces, then you can wrestle on top of them and lose them all.

  14. LOL. I’m trying to find reasons to have kids, since I am currently scared to death of having them. This didn’t help haha! Getting married this year and kids are high on my fiance’s “to-do list” for after we tie the knot. I’m so nervous about becoming a mom!