A series for those of us that need the reminder that God is still in the business of changing lives.
Before I was saved ? I was like the others who rarely thought about God. “Hmmmmpffft, Christians have it sooo easy! Everything good happens to them!”, I thought. Who was I kidding? Life IS harder for Christians , we struggle too with finances, relationships, families, friends, our own thoughts & feelings. Ya see, now we know what’s right or wrong. The decisions we make do matter.
Things happen though. That make your past slam into you so hard you fall. I know.
I was that scared, lonely little child – physically, sexually, mentally abused little girl, step-daughter, neice, sistercousin, teen, wife, and mom all rolled into one. I came from a typically dysfunctional family. No dad (though it would’ve been worse with him).
Crappy things happen. That’s life.
Drinking, drugs, promiscuity started when? 12 ? 13 ? Afterwards I was labeled a whore before I even knew what it meant. Married at sixteen, 2 bebes by age eighteen. My youngest, Leilani died at 22 days.
Back & forth to mental health facilities for years, because I shame people and I need to be fixed. One very long stay in an institution that was as terrifying as any scary movie.
Left my ex finally (thank you mama) in 91 . Promiscuity, partying, married a new fellow named George. Three years into the marriage my demons awaken to haunt me. Everyone has skeletons. And they all try to hide them. Until the rattling of them, hidden in that little box that you’ve hidden in the very depths of your soul for most of your life. Then, one day in your 30s you have to open it because the sounds are driving you insane. Your head and body aches so bad and you don’t know why. You cut everywhere it hurts to ease that pain.
So you face yourself in that mirror.. and start pulling off those masks.
- The one you show to those closest: Sullen, Angry, Hurt.
- The other one for the family: Shock – how can grown men touch you and do horrible things and no one cares?
- The one to classmates at school: Happy, The Joker.
- The one to teachers who make me stand and speak: Tears and Horrible Shame.
- The one to my ex husband: Love, Shock, but so much Pain.
The one to my son: Horrible, Bloated, Bleeding, Tears … having to tell him I’m sorry he had to see me beaten with fists, feet, 2 x 4s, dog chains – broken, cut with knives, shot at, hair pulled out in bloody clumps, made to beg & crawl because I was who I was.
Forced to tell him his bebe sister died because God knew she’d be like me. That 5 year old son that hid me once again, deep in the woods, crawling under barbed fences ahead of time to make a hiding place for me, with food, pillow, and blanket. ”Please mama please don’t come when he calls. Only come when I call you.”
Waiting. Bleeding. Scared.
When I finally hear him, I can hear his daddy, “Son I promise I promise, I wont hurt her, snakes will get her, bring her back. And so I come. Knowing. If I hug my child with my body over him, he won’t see me getting kicked in the face … years later in his therapy learning he felt every blow through me.
So then, freed from the bondage of that traumatizing relationship, I choose to party with this teen child of mine. After so much therapy, the pain brought up, it helped us forget.
Now fast forward thru many more trials with my new marriage and life … to us being saved & us being clean.
God has let us be teachers. He cleaned us. He loved us. My son met and married a beauty. She, the daughter of my 1st love at 14 yrs old in Hawaii who came to find me in Georgia only to find I was already married. But he met a new girl here and 20 yrs later my son brings her home, who is just like her japanese dad, my young love. They gave us granddaughters. They became our all.
But, we finally put God before them. Our lives changed so much it weirded out those close to us. Never cramming our faith down anyones throats, no fire and brimstone … but we were different. We are different. Lifes not perfect. I have many problems caused by all the abuse, but it’s okay. God is in control. No matter what, He has a reason.
Then, almost a year ago … Oh Lord, the pain of losing so many I love and cherish – that share my blood, my breath. Losing my son, my grandbebes, my daughter-in-law, my sister and her 3 children. Over what? Not in death, but in following Jesus. For just a brief moment , a second, I slipped into the old me … I wanted to die. Get the sharpest razor and hack until nothing was left. Just die to NOT feel. To slip into nothing. The messages I got were meant for the old Me. The one that curls up and hides. The OLD me. Left fearing that if I die by my hand, I’ll never get to heaven, I won’t praise Him eternally or see my daughter again..
I’m saved and washed clean by the blood of His son. I’m in God’s hands, my life is at His feet. I will teach until He tells me to stop. I will never give up my faith. So now George and I go on. God has plans for us. We will protect those who cant protect themselves. We will continue to love ourselves as He loves us.
Hello … I’m Kimmi … I have a husband, mama, a brother, and countless ohana who love me. God has blessed me with the love of a man who stuck by me thru this, seeing the madness while fighting his own demons. 75%to 80% of couples who spend their marriages in drugs and alcohol don’t make it after they become sober. We are still together.
<3 Mahalo E Ke Akua No Keia La ~ Thanks be to God for this day <3
I was broken, but now I live.