I don’t worry, I plan.

You will rarely find me fretting about something.  I don’t do a whole lot of what could be called “worrying”.  But that isn’t to say that I haven’t occasionally been faced with a situation that I realized could very realistically have an unpleasant ending.

 

But an odd thing happens in my brain then.  Instead of my blood pressure rising, I start to work out the worst case scenario in my head.  Calmly.  Rationally.  ”Well, if this happens then I will do this, this, and this.

 

I think it’s something that my brain does to protect itself from unnecessary grief.  What I find most odd about this little cerebral quirk is that I am not a planner in real life.  I am not organized, I don’t have a schedule, and I don’t keep up with a calendar.  But apparently, my brain gets all flight or fight when put to the test.

 

For example, I never worried about Husband when he deployed to war zones.  However, during tour 2 there was an instance when I went all brain planner when husband came too close for my comfort with a bullet in the ole noggin.  All of a sudden I had to admit that there was always a possibility that my husband wouldn’t come home.  Instead of hyperventilating or crying my overly hormonal eyes out (did I mention I was pregnant?) – I started walking through what I’d do if that ended up being my lot in life.

 

“Well, I’d sell most of our stuff.  I’d go back home and move in with my dad.  I might get a job. I might go back to school.  I’d be supported by lots of family.  We would all be alright.”

 

It’s comforting for me to think through it.  But I often times think it makes me sound rather cold, completely removing myself emotionally from the potentially life altering problem, and dissecting is apart with logic.  I had a friend who really couldn’t understand my lack of worrying back in our deployment days, thought I didn’t really love my husband if I wasn’t losing sleep and pining.  Or something.

 

It happened again to me this week.  Husband is on the other side of the world and my dad has been with me these last few days.  I’ve mentioned before that his health isn’t the sturdiest and I’ve tried to come to terms the last couple of years with the fact that I don’t know that he’ll grow to be an old man.  Well, the very day that Husband flew around the world Dad had a particularly scary episode with his health, and it left me suddenly faced with another worst-case-scenario in my mind.

 

What if my father died while Husband was gone?

 

Do I think that’s likely to happen?  No.  But the possibility couldn’t help but flash through my head.

 

So my brain went all:

 

“What would I do?  Should I try to reach Husband through some sort of emergency contact?  No, I wouldn’t want to do that.  It would only tear his focus away from the very important reason that he jet-setted his way around the world to begin with and he wouldn’t be able to help anyway.  I would simply do whatever planning I needed to, attend dad’s funeral, find a babysitter for the kids, and wait to tell Husband when he got back.”

 

Maybe that makes me a heartless, emotionless weirdo.  But it seems plain sensible to me.

 

So, do you lose sleep?  Or do you crazy brain plan like me?  Or something else altogether?

 

-Jessica

Comments

  1. i lose sleep .. I lose sleep like a pro. It can be terrible. However I do have various techniques to try and keep my worrying under control.. it’s particularly bad at night. I do experience some of that rationality you’re talking about,.. i think it’s a by product of my job as a scientist. When something doesn’t work i have to logically work back through all the steps and figure out what could’ve gone wrong at each step. It’s quite a therapeutic process.
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  2. I do both. Equally. It’s exhausting to be me.
    Jen ~ The Path Less Taken recently posted..FirstsMy Profile

  3. I’m like Jen…I do both equally…and I agree, it’s exhausting.
    Judy recently posted..Happy Birthday, Yerlin!My Profile

  4. I do something less productive than both, I come to terms with whatever is “going to happen” (read, probably not going to happen). I go through an abbriviated version of all the traditional stages of grief (with a little of your weird brain planning mixed in) and end up being completely at ease with the situation… and by situation I mean completely hypothetical sinario that has very little chance of occuring.
    Jenna recently posted..You can lead a girl to legos…My Profile

  5. I don’t contigency plan everything, but I have on some things. So I’m not as weird as you. At least not about this :)
    seekingpastor recently posted..Knowing Your Real DreamMy Profile

    • Jessica says:

      Good to know. :) I can’t really offer any advice to attain my weirdness because it isn’t something I’ve achieved my some kind of spiritual discipline. Just always been that way.

  6. I totally do that. And sometimes my solutions are totally out there and wild but it keeps me calm and focused whether the bad thing happens or not . Though after something really bad happens (like when my mom suddenly died and we had all sorts of crazy things happen) I spend a lot of time second guessing what I actually did and kind of panicking/crying a lot and losing sleep, So it all comes later if something DOES happen but during and before I plan and come up with solutions.
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    • Yes, I won’t pretend that I would be as calm if any of my worst case scenario’s actually happened. I’d probably be a blubbering mess then.

  7. I do both depending on the situation. There I times I think I might come off as being cold because when I do worry I try to keep it to myself and not freak out on everyone. For example when my husband left on his last deployment I did not cry when we said goodbye(there were lots of tears the night before though) and his mom stood there crying and I wondered if she thought something was wrong with me. lol I was worried and scared but I didn’t want him getting on the plane worried that I would be ok.
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  8. Well, I don’t plan, make lists or anything like that on a day-to-day basis. But, when I am in an unpleasant situation that is very likely to have an unpleasant outcome, I plan ahead. I decide my course. It allows me to be proactive rather than reactive; it is a good, sane and not a heartless thing. And, then I still worry. Every single fiber of my being wants to control the outcome and people involved in the situation so that I can control the outcome. I know I am not in control. But, that doesn’t really matter to me.

    I have been able to detach emotionally but only for short periods — to get a job done. I made it through millions of Individual Education Plan meetings by taking on the role of an emotionally distanced case manager. It worked for me… until the moment is over and then with every fiber of my being I want to find a place to escape to so that I can become a blubbering mess, privately. Introverts can’t show that side of themselves to just everyone. It makes us too vulnerable. Instead, I drive home and clean, cook, bake or do whatever. Normal. Dull. Good.
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  9. I worry AND I plan. :)
    Megan @ Faith Like Mustard recently posted..This-and-That (Alternately Titled: An Underachiever’s Post)My Profile

  10. I just love your blog. I’ve been following for a while, and have been completely amazed at the similarity our lives. Right down to the age our parents divorced, to our logic-brain! We’re travelers, so GA is on our list 2 times this year. Maybe we can meet? Keep bloggin’, you’re doin’ great!

    • Jessica says:

      I love finding people just like me. Snicker. :)

      You guys going to be floating near the south east corner of Ga?

  11. Don’t worry, I do the exact same thing, for all the best and worst case scenarios! Pretty much any possible scenario is pondered over in my mind for every situation, just so I can (maybe) know better what to expect no matter what happens. I think it’s just a wise thing to do, as long as it doesn’t morph into worry.
    Lyssa recently posted..Opening a Can of Worms: Money, Your Job, and What Matters MoreMy Profile

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