The Five Stages of Grieving the Church

April 30, 2012 17 Comments

 

 

Denial

 

I’m not hurt.  Why does everyone think I’ve been hurt?  I’m leaving on principle.  On lots of principles.  I’d be happy to sit down and explain elaborately, theologically, on why I choose to not play a part in the institutional church anymore.  And it has nothing to do with being hurt.

 

Anger

 

Okay, so maybe I’m hurt.  Maybe I’ve been hurt.  And maybe it’s okay to be angry about it!  I mean, why is the system set up so often to exclude, set up to disconnect instead of connect, set up the very least efficient and effective way possible?  UGH!  Isn’t it okay to be angry about that?  It’s an outrage, a crying shame!  How are we ever going to fix it if we aren’t honest about all the things that are wrong!

 

Bargaining

Okay, what if we start our own church?  I know we’re not perfect, but we know the basics of how it should be done, what if we started there to see what could happen if church is grown in a more natural environment?  What if we build our own community, God?  Then will you bless us with your presence?

 

Depression

No one understands God.  No one wants authentic, real life, messy, imperfect community.  It’s a lost cause.  I’m tired of dealing with people who don’t think critically about their beliefs.  I’m so tired of dealing with all of the theological parrots, just repeating what they’ve been told without studying it, examining it, praying it.  I’m done with these people.

 

Acceptance

Grace.  Freedom.  The church is broken but it’s okay.  They’re just human.  They’re just growing, maturing, changing humans, just like me.  I cannot be a part of the broken system without anger and depression, but I can live my life in peace outside of it.  I can embrace the community of those around me, the ones that have been organically planted in my life.

 

I will pursue a life in pursuit of God.  And eschew any practice, or institution, that gets in the way of that.

 

-Jessica

*photo by chrisharvey

Filed Under: Leaving Church, Misunderstanding Jesus Tagged With: ,

So What Do We Do in House Church? {Leaving the church – Part 5}

January 16, 2012 26 Comments

 

So, I’ve been talking a bit about our journey in leaving the IC (institutional church) but I haven’t said much yet about what we’re doing instead.  And I understand that’s an imbalanced message – like a gospel about what you’re saved from instead of what you’re saved to.  But have no fear, I have no intention leaving this series in the negative.

 

Right now we “officially” meet on Friday nights and Sundays (sometimes a couple of people come over on Wednesday evenings, too – mostly because we’re so used to doing that from being in the IC so long).  But it’s not uncommon for some of us to see each other more often than that.  One girl in particular has become sort of the 7th member of our family and she’s here most days – we shop together, we clean together, we hoop together – we “do life” together.

church at home

On Friday nights people start arriving at around 5:00 and often times don’t leave until 10:00 or later.  We all pitch in to bring food, we hang out,  we play board games, we play video games, we play music, and we share passages from the Bible that we’ve recently read or we think need to be heard at our gathering.  Often times someone comes with a stressful situation that they’ve been dealing with and we all sit around scripture and find comfort and guidance for them in The Book. Truthfully we’ve been meeting on Friday nights for probably more than 2 years now, we just didn’t have the freedom to call it “church” yet.

 

 

Sometimes we’re blessed with the company of a certain musician who writes new songs about as often as she breathes.

 

 

Sundays are similar to Fridays, except longer.  People start showing up around 10:00 or 11:00 and “church” lasts all day.  People come and go as they are able.  Some people stay until dark (or well after).  Some people go home and take a nap and then come back again.  Some people come after they’ve left their Institutional Church.  We spend the whole day together just trying to be a family in Christ and build each other up, learn from each other.

 

 

Basically, we’re trying to learn to live more in community, to love more sincerely, to sacrifice our time and gifts for each other, to learn, to study, to grow.  We don’t desire to be rogue “feet” broken off from the body of Christ, like many worry we are.  We’re not dismembered.  We are still the body of Christ.

 

 

We don’t pretend to be perfect.  We don’t pretend to be experts at this following God outside of man-made institutions.  This is a journey and we haven’t arrived yet.  But at least we feel like we’re on the right path now.  And we are willing to listen to those who have gone before us.

 

My dad is an excellent story teller.

We babysit for each other, help each other out financially when one of us is in need, visit each other in the hospital, drive each other back and forth to work when a car is broken, pray for each other, laugh with each other, take day-trips with each other.

 

I don’t know what else to say about it, really.  It feels so much easier to “be the body” when there aren’t more members than you can even know by their first name.  It feels so much easier to have intimate friendship and fellowship with a small number of people that you can truly get to know.  It feels so much more natural to function when leadership can arise naturally and not arbitrarily.  It feels so free to not be constrained by time-tables, or “merely rules taught by men” (like so often happens in the IC).  It feels good to not have to fake anything, to smile and nod, to superficially greet.  It feels good to have open participation so questions can always be asked or answered in the moment when scripture gets confusing.

 

It feels like Jesus, and his Spirit, just might be in our midst.

 

 

 -Jessica

Filed Under: House Church, Leaving Church Tagged With: , ,

On Negative, Naked Writing. {Leaving the church – Part 4}

January 12, 2012 20 Comments

 

I’ve been talking about why we’re leaving the institutional church (and again, the institution does not have the true bride of Christ cornered.  The true church can and does exist outside of the institution).

 

To read more of the series follow the Leaving the church tag.

————————————————————————————————–

 

I’ve been contacted by a small number of people concerned about the message I’m putting out there about the institutional church.  I think mostly they want me to understand that there are good people in institutions, and that some institutions are much better than others.  And I do understand that.

 

I’ve also recently seen a couple of people stress that we should focus on how we can make things right instead of focusing on what’s wrong.  I understand that, also.  I know that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, I do.

 

But I don’t know how to do that.  That message seems unbalanced (and sort of lying) to me.  I don’t know how to talk about how we can fix God’s church without also talking about what’s terribly terribly wrong with it.  Although I agree that we shouldn’t only rip something apart without offering a positive alternative.

 

So I’ve determined to be completely real and truthful of my experience with the institution – while trying to not personally attack anyone from within.   And like my friend J.K. Mcquire has said, “REAL AND TRUE – isn’t polite, politically correct. Real and True – is labeled judgmental, naive, and not good for business.”  My friend Joy calls it writing naked (actually, she got that from Billy Coffey).  She says, “Writing naked connects with people... helps you recognize that you are not alone, that we’re in this thing together.”

 

That’s exactly why I’m writing through my experience.  Because I have a platform to say it and so. many. people need to hear it.  They’re parched and in need of reminding that there is still living water out there and that it’s okay if it doesn’t look like what they grew up with or what they’re currently experiencing – and that Jesus is okay with that.

 

Without being real and true, without focusing a little on the negative so that we can see the light of the positive – well, we’d have to remove every single prophet from the bible , and a great deal of what Jesus said, too.  So many times Jesus publicly pointed out the failings of the religious system that had strayed thousands of years from it’s pure origins.  And, let’s face it y’all, we’ve spent 2000 years straying again.  Actually, Jesus was known to purposely say things to upset the religious institution of his time, and even openly mock it’s leaders – but I don’t plan on going that far.  After all, I’m no Jesus. ; )

 

So I hope that you’ll continue with me on this journey of experiencing God outside of the institution.  My goals isn’t to offend, my goal is to help people find freedom.  Because the truth is, more people are in my position than aren’t (in America).  They have a guilt complex about not feeling satisfied in the institution and they don’t know what to do about it.

 

I’m writing to them.

-Jessica

picture by Gary Lewis via Dreamstime.

Filed Under: Leaving Church Tagged With: , , , , ,

Why it took us so long to leave. {Leaving the church – Part 3}

January 10, 2012 21 Comments

 

It took us a long time (years) to leave the institutional church after we clearly felt God calling us in that direction.  Today I’m going to explain a bit why.

 

First though, I just want to say thank you to all the overwhelming emails and comments of support.  There are so many cries of, “Thank you!  It’s not just me!” going out.  The positive affirmation I’ve received has far outweighed the negative.

 

If you’re just stumbling onto this series you may want to read my posts about leaving the church and how the church almost killed my faith.

———————————————————————————————————————-

 

So what took us so long to leave?  If we were miserable and unedified inside of the institution and we clearly felt God heralding us in a different direction, why did we drag our feet?  Why didn’t we sprint toward that new, freeing goal?

 

Well, remember those people I’ve been surrounded by in church who seem to love Jesus but not understand how to follow him?  The ones that greatly affected my faith in God?  The truth is, I love those people.  I like them a lot and I want to help them and teach them how to die to themselves and follow God.

 

Honestly, we haven’t had any great and terrible thing happen to us by members of a congregation (though we have had great disappointments and frustrations with pastors/leadership).  They’ve been nice to us.  Granted, they haven’t gotten to know us in an intimate way – ever.  They’ve hardly ever invited us to their home or accepted invitations to our home.  And there are a few passive aggressive folks thrown in who smile to our face but who we know bicker behind backs.

 

But even so, it’s hard to abandon someone who smiles and asks you how it’s going week upon week.  Even superficial relationships are sometimes difficult to walk away from.  And, also … I want people to like me.  More than that, I want them to understand me.  I want them to completely get our reasons for not feeling like traditional church is right for us (and many others).

 

And we knew that (particularly where we live deep in the bible belt) people would not understand our leaving the church.  The approval of others can be a powerful prison.

 

It’s just so so hard to leave a group of people who’ve been perfectly cordial to you, knowing that they will disapprove of, and not understand your decision.  It’s even harder for those who have grown up in one church (or been there a great many years) and for those who’s family also attends the same gathering.

 

There’s a second reason we stalled so long.  We feel strongly called to work in South Asia.  And being supported and sent by large institutions and organizations seemed like the easiest way.  We couldn’t figure out a way to pursue God’s calling on our life outside of traditional means – maybe we didn’t have the faith to step out and just trust that God can send us where he wants us.  We still don’t know how that desire will be fulfilled.

 

So we stayed much longer than we should have.  Afraid of not fulfilling our calling, afraid of what people would say, afraid of what people would think, afraid of people’s disapproval, afraid of being deemed rebels or bad attitudes, or unfit for ministry.

 

But in the end, staying didn’t do us any favors.  I think people tended to give us those labels from within the institution anyway (even if not to our face).

 

So it finally reached a point where God made it clear that we could not serve him from within the church.  Every avenue we tried kept closing to us – almost as if God kept slamming windows just so we’d admit there was a big fat door right in front of us that we were resisting walking through…

 

So finally, we gave in.

-Jessica

I’m participating in Joy in this Journy’s Life: Unmasked today.

Photo by Anna Sedysheva  via Dreamstime.

Filed Under: Leaving Church Tagged With: , , ,

The Church Almost Killed My Faith {Leaving the Church – Part 2}

January 9, 2012 19 Comments

 

There have been times in my life when I’ve nearly lost my faith altogether.  There has even been a time where I could have easily held the label of an Atheist, all while continuing to teach Sunday School.

 

But that’s not the kind of thing you go around telling people in the middle of your struggle.  That’s the sort of thing you share once you’ve conquered the doubt, lest someone judge you an apostate.

 

Funnily, my issue of crisis wasn’t one of pain.  It had nothing to do with hard theology or why bad things happen to good people, or why children starve to death, or why evil is allowed to exist.

 

No, sadly, the number one killer of my faith has been … the church.

 

The church has caused me to doubt the power and goodness of the Christian God.

 

 The church has caused me to doubt that a transforming power really exists in Christianity.

 

Why?  Because I’ve been surrounded by people who know a lot about God and who know they should love God and follow God, but I’ve seen very few who actually surrender to him in a way that changes them – that transforms them in such a powerful way that it’s like they’ve been born all over again.

 

What I have seen are people who want to be transformed, and who study more and more of the right thing (or don’t), hoping it will save them.

 

And yes, you could argue that people are just that -people.  And that none of us are perfect and we’re constantly being “refined” and growing in the Lord.

 

There’s truth in that.  But it’s not what I’m talking about.

 

I’m talking about the majority of people not following the teachings of Jesus at all – simply wearing his name, caught up in the world like wheat choked out by weeds.

 

I was choked by weeds, too.  Wanting fruit.  Wanting power.  Wanting transformation.  Yet unable to put my finger on it.

 

I’ve heard the teachings of Jesus modified and rationalized away from the pulpit.  “Yes, you should give your life to Jesus – but he doesn’t require that much of you.  Yes, you should give your resources to Jesus -but not too much (Also, he particularly wants you to pay his “staff” and his utilities).  Yes, we all have to pick up our cross and follow – but not too heavy of one, in fact wearing one around your neck will do just fine.

 

We’ve filled the pews, but have we filled our hearts?

 

So, to keep my faith, I’ve had to leave the church.  I’ve had to leave the man-made bits that have turned my relationship into a religion, to seek a more natural community with other believers who are also struggling to believe inside the walls of the church.

 

And it feels good, y’all.  It feels right.

 

-Jessica

picture by Brian Erickson via Dreamstime.

Filed Under: Faith, Leaving Church Tagged With: , ,

Leaving the Church. {Part 1}

January 4, 2012 87 Comments

the church is dying

I am a Christian.  And I’m leaving the institution of church.

 

First some clarification.  I’m not disowning the true church, the body of Christ, the ekklesia (the gathering of other believers who desire authentic community and to pursue the purposes of Christ).

 

What I am leaving behind is the business of church – the institutional church.  The buildings, and the committees, and the budgets, and the forced hierarchy, and the one-sided sermons, and the “services” that don’t really serve anyone.

 

This decision wasn’t come to lightly.  It’s something we’ve felt calling us for awhile.  Years.  We’ve lingered in the church for so. long. thinking we could help it from the inside, get it on a better track.  But all that effort has gotten us is ostracized and rejected.

 

So, we’re done.

 

And it feels. so. free.

 

Jesus and his truth set me free oh so long ago.  But then the church shackled me into slavery again.

 

But no more. I will be free indeed.

 

I will be free in Jesus.  Free through Jesus.  Free to follow his teachings and become the person he created me to be.  The person that’s been boxed in and dying a slow spiritual death inside of the institution created in his name.

 

I will be writing more about this in the future, trying to unravel it a bit for you guys, elaborating to help you better understand.

 

But for now I want you to know two things:

 

  1. I’m not mad at the institution (most of the time).  I’m over it.  I understand that they think they’re right about the things they do and the way they do them.  There are a lot of good people inside.  And they have good intentions.  Unfortunately, we all know what those can pave the road to.
  2. I will still be gathering with other believers.  I will still be pursing truth, and holiness, and peace. I just won’t be doing it in a traditional setting.

 

I am so excited about pursing God outside the confines of unnecessary tradition and structure, y’all.

 

And I’m glad to be able to share it with you. <3

 

-Jessica

 

Filed Under: Faith, Leaving Church, Misunderstanding Jesus Tagged With: , ,

Archives

border=0

To the Top