Bittersweet Symphony

JK, I’m just bitter. Like, nuclear reactor level of bitter.

About pretty much everything.

I told y’all in my last post that if I came back to blogging on this platform it would pretty much just be me bitching. And you were like “YAY! WE LOVE BITCHING!” So …

When we came back from India one reason I didn’t verbal blogarrhea our trauma was because I wasn’t ready. When we moved here and people would ask me where I was coming from I would just tell them my hometown. Because “Our dreams were recently crushed and we were essentially deported” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue.

The last two years have been a lot of us just ya know, keeping on. We came back from India and within 3 weeks we had moved to a new town, signed all our little unschoolers up for public school, and decided – fuck it, let’s try the American dream thing this time. Because the self-sacrificing, “Here am I, send me” shit didn’t pan out. LOLOLOL, last decade.

So at 35 Jeremy went back to grad school. Again. This time for a degree that, like, pays money. Because his first two careers qualify him to either be a pastor or a defense contractor – both of which he’s morally opposed to.

We feel like utter fools for wasting our lives up til this point and being unable to provide for our children. I’m mad at everyone and no one. I see people on social media that took the traditional, sane, responsible path in life and I have so much … I don’t know. Rage isn’t the right word. What’s like, sad mixed with angry? Oh right, I guess that’s bitter.

I ain’t mad at you with your four year degree, mortgage, and above ground pool. Good on you. I’m mad at me. I am 35 years old and have never owned a home. Never even come close. Could literally not if I tried. The bank would laugh me out the door.

I spent so many years reveling in how we were so nontraditional, who needs security anyway because Jesus, lololol. And now I just … want to be able to get my kid braces.

Another reason that I haven’t really shared our trauma with the masses is because I have zero chill left. Zero. Particularly for Christian platitudes. I will lose my fucking shit if you tell me everything happens for a reason or some other nonsense. That is cult talk. Stop it.

no chill

Also, I don’t want it to be about manipulating you into telling me I’m not a loser – “You’re awesome Jessica and everything’s going to be okay!” This isn’t like when girls say they’re ugly so that their friends will be like “Omg Stacy, ur so gorg. Shut ahp”.

There are basically two responses that won’t make me ragey:

  1. Same
  2. Bro. That Sucks

End of list.

Pick one.

Comments

  1. If the experience my wife and I have had is universally true, then there does seem to be a marked lack of empathy in the church. As such, I’m sorry for your trauma (whatever it is), and I’m sorry that it seems to have occurred in conjunction with a “calling.”

    All of that said, from my vantage point further down the road age-wise, there is another universal truth: dreams die. It may be cynical, but I’ve found it essential to always, always keep in mind this fact: whatever we enter into in this life–anything at all–we should go into it knowing that it can be ripped away at any moment. The biggest lie foisted on Christians in particular is that just because God is for us that things will always work out for the good. And that isn’t at all what Romans 8:28 means. There is a vast gulf betwixt good circumstances, good outcomes, and the immutable, intractable good of God.

    You have no perspective now because the trauma is so fresh–its voice is the loudest. As with Elijah, perhaps some time hiding out, being refreshed, nourished, etc is in order. And maybe a still, small voice will emerge somewhere down the road.

    • I’m with ya on Romans 8:28. And I always thought I was prepared for that. Especially in my mustard seed years. But I expected that to be in the form of like – you go overseas and life is still hard. People get sick, hurt, or die even! But it’s all worth it because of the good work you’re doing (in theory!) Hoorah, Jesus! What I was not prepared for was to work toward starting the job for nearly 10 years and to have it over in 10 months. Just, goodbye. Kaput.

      There’s no one to blame. It just was. Is. It was totally out of our control and no one’s fault. And two years later, yes it’s still the loudest voice for me. I can’t reconcile it yet. It makes no sense. Maybe one day. But in the mean time I feel like we wasted our life and our kids have and will suffer for it.

  2. Hugz, BohBow. What a long strange trip it’s been.

    xtian platitudes kill me too. I think I give off enough stinkeye that ppl don’t try it with me tho.

    Remember that time your kid bounced off the trash can lid? Still my favorite moment in blogging.

  3. Lynette Johnson says:

    1. Same 2. Bro that sucks.

  4. I am so sorry to hear that things have blown up in your face. I feel angry on your behalf. I hope you will find healing, and encouragement, and friendship, and a box full of money. Thank you for being brave enough to put your honest feelings out on the internet.

  5. I’m sorry that everything became such a mess. Bro that sucks. I supported you in little ways before the blog became password protected or something of that nature because of the country that you were moving was of a sensitive nature. Then I lost track of what was going on.I thought of your family and wondered how things were going. I’ll be reading if you continue to post.

    Same. Bro that sucks.