Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
-Matthew 6:26
You guys, why am I surprised every week? Seriously, every. single. week.
I can tell you why. It’s because I don’t want to expect too much. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Because disappointment can be the first step in the slippery slope of flying down the side of Crisis-Of-Faith Mountain.
So I wake up each morning and slip into my tough spiritual exterior.
The problem with this, of course, is that it not only protects me from potential pain, but potential joy – both are numbed in the process.
This year, The Year Of Trusting, is something that I have a very hard time processing because I won’t let my feelings run too deep. I don’t feel it. I float above my own life like some odd out-of-body experience, watching the provision, the blessing, like an observer, like one of you.
Surreal.
Between this, and the fact that I’m much more eloquent and expressive with a laptop, I’m afraid I never quite seem appreciative enough in my face-to-face interactions. I accept gifts with a certain casualness, numbness, that you might expect to show a friend who’s just carried in your junkmail. Thanks. Just put it over there. Whatever.
Somewhere, deeper down, in my heart or soul or mind, I realize I’m witnessing weekly miracles. Like, legitimate, water spewing from rock, bread brought by ravens, miracles. But those parts of my understanding aren’t easily visible.
I wish I could gush, could hug and tear up and profess how much I truly do appreciate your gifts without having to retreat to his keyboard. But that’s just not me. Maybe one day.
****
This week from our amazon grocery wishlist we received some sweet honey.
The Wild Boys snagged some more new-to-them shirts.
A local friend gifted us a bit of produce.
And someone from church picked up some awesome organic goodies for us, as well as cleaned out their own pantry and gave from the excess. (And I was all. Thanks. Just put it over there. Whatever. Sigh.)
What has blown me away week after week after ever-lovin week, is the quality of food that God has provided. If anything comes close to breaking through my tough exterior, it is this. We’ve consistently dined on much finer fair than we did before the move.
When we made this wacky decision to sell everything and move 3000 miles away, knowing we couldn’t afford to do it (seriously, what were we thinking?), I guess I resigned myself to a fate of surviving off of ramen noodles. Of a subpar North American existence.
And yet, despite my calloused, cynic’s heart, the gifts keep heaping on my shoulders.
It’s like God super, really likes me or something. Weird.
God has provided for me like that all the time. If I stop to think about it, I would tremble, and tears would pour down my face. “You do not have because you do not ask,” so I ask and receive and then forget to thank Him. Yes, our hearts sometimes become calloused when God’s miracles become commonplace…
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One of the biggest reasons I run this weekly series now is just so I’m forced to reflect on the provision of each week. It’s so easy to forget.
Hi Jessica. My husband and I had been in ministry for only a couple of years and we were doing a pastoral internship (which means you don’t get paid) in small town BC. We had been volunteering at the Food Bank and handing out food that we ourselves couldn’t even afford. After many weeks of rice, beans and eggs, we came home one Sunday to discover that another church in town had done a food drive for us. There were bags of groceries including wild game. Meat! We were so excited that we invited all our friends over to feed them. We decided if God could do it once, he could do it again. And he did. We were blessed and nurished by the graciousness of others during that season of our lives.
Rice, beans and eggs are our friends! :)
It’s just crazy how we’ve been blessed since moving to BC. Crazy.
The stuff you said about feelings. That. I feel that. This week I couldn’t stop thinking to myself, “I don’t know how to have feelings without having too many feelings.”
I’m reading what you wrote again and again. I would cry if I could. But if I could, how would I ever stop?
It’s in face-to-face interactions that I’m a bit cold. In private I’m a bit too vulnerable. One end of the spectrum or the other, it seems. :)
I love these posts! It’s a great reminder that God has provided for us too! Just this week He sent a free turkey(even carcasses to make soup!), leftovers from the church potluck and an unexpected cheque.
The other neat thing about these posts is that God is glorified! And that’s what it’s all about!
I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. These posts are so encouraging. It’s so scary in this getting-out-of-the-military phase, job interviews, number crunching, budgeting based on estimates of possible amounts of a paycheck…it’s nervewracking and sometimes I look at the numbers and say “this just can’t be done!” But then I come here and am reminded of God’s provisions. Thank you!
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