Admitting the Awesome

I live in a reality where I’m honestly a pretty lame stay at home mom and I live a very mundane life. My breath stinks. My floor is dirty. I’m fairly uneducated. This is a snapshot of me and my life.

 

On paper it looks cooler than that. It looks like I’m this free-spirited, world-traveling hippie who’s hopelessly infatuated with her husband and a patient/funny mom. It looks like I’m about 20 lbs thinner and have a faith that can move mountains and that I’m a “real” writer. But reality is less shiny, less interesting.

 

In blog form our life may look slightly impressive. Selling everything we own and driving across the continent? If I were reading that about someone I would think, “Wow. That is freaking awesome.” But in real life? It doesn’t feel that way. It just feels like, “Meh. That’s, ya know, just what we did. Whatever.”

 

I meet new people and they want to know all about me, they ask me question after question, and even though I purposefully try to downplay it, it still comes across sounding “cool”. “Wow, your life is so interesting”, people say to me all the time. And I laugh and smile and look at the floor insisting, “Really, it’s not”.

 

Until this year. This year, no matter how much I try to pretend like it’s no big deal, life has been amazing. Leaving Church, starting house church, selling everything we own, driving from Georgia to Western Canada, God providing for us a million times over, returning to Church. It’s kind of a lot to take in, honestly.

 

So I’ve been mostly blocking it out. Because if I look this year square in the face and focus on it, I want to freak out a little. I want to cry and lift my hands to God in praise. I want to believe and not doubt and trust. It seems insane that I’m not already doing that, but it’s true.

 

Half of the reason that I rarely sing in church is because if I dare open my mouth I’ll start crying. I might actually start bawling. And I’m holding it together just enough to want to avoid that. 

 

It’s the strangest thing, having God break you with kindness.  I’m more used to the other kind of faith – the one that comes through brokenness and surrender. But it’s like God has switched gears on me. He’s spent this last half year heaping so many gifts on my shoulders that the sheer weight of them is bringing me to my knees.

 

And with each new miracle, each new basket of loaves and fishes at our door, my knees weaken and I come closer to that holy break down I’ve been resisting. I look to the future and I realize I don’t have a choice, I have to surrender, to jump head first into faith and trust. Because God is the only one who can fill in the very big gaps that riddle our path right now.

 

It’s so easy to give into that little Israelite on your shoulder who’s forgotten how much God has already done, how far he’s already brought you.

 

Because, dammit, this desert is empty. Except, ya know, when it isn’t. When every morning you wake up and the ground is littered with provision. Except for those times. But what about tomorrow?

 

I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

Comments

  1. Jenny Anderson says:

    Last Sunday felt like I had been to a funeral, I cried so much. One time, just let it go, it feels so good!

  2. I loved this post. Like you, I’ve been in both spots…I feel most blessed when I look in the eyes of my son and think…WOW God what were you thinking giving such an amazing child to someone who is such a royal mess? Why me? And it turns me to him with upraised hands of thankfulness and prayers for mercy and grace to be the kind of mother that my son deserves. This post is so encouraging to see that sometimes, turning (back) to God can come through his lovingkindness…rarely hear that one preached these days.
    Aprille recently posted..P is for pumpkin!My Profile

  3. loved reading this post. I can so relate to feeling like my life is mundane but people think its awesome. Its good to praise Him no matter what, but it feels great to praise Him when you are overwhelmed with blessing.
    Katie Nelson recently posted..Best BehaviorMy Profile

  4. God is indeed awesome. He’s worthy of our all.

    Thank you for letting us watch the show because honey…it’s a thing of beauty.
    Shayne recently posted..And Sometimes…All You Can Do Is Grab A Bag Of Popcorn And Enjoy The ShowMy Profile

  5. Stefanie Brown (@stefanieybrown) says:

    I read this post smiling, even giggling at times. Then, my gears switched and I related to your fishes and loaves. I know what that’s like. I’m unworthy, but He loves and gives anyway.

    Want to meet because I think you are awesome!

  6. I’m looking forward to the day when you raise your hands and heart to God, and open your mouth in song with reckless abandon friend :) There’s nothing like it. I love watching this journey He has you on, and even though you say your life isn’t that cool, the very fact that you’re living and breathing and redeemed is pretty freaking awesome. It is for all of us.
    @BrookeWrites recently posted..an #Allume meet-up to discuss Facebook page changesMy Profile

  7. wow. this paragraph really spoke to me:

    “It’s the strangest thing, having God break you with kindness. I’m more used to the other kind of faith – the one that comes through brokenness and surrender. But it’s like God has switched gears on me. He’s spent this last half year heaping so many gifts on my shoulders that the sheer weight of them is bringing me to my knees.”

    Blessings,
    Anna
    Anna Radchenko @ Here Am I recently posted..drowning in technologyMy Profile

  8. Jessica, I don’t know how I found you but I did! This was a lovely post and reminds me that being a Christian and chosen by God isn’t all an uphill struggle and hard work as I was taught by my nuns at school! I look at some of the faces of Christians I know and they radiate the joy of having Jesus really in their hearts. Then I look at other faces of Christians I know and think, wow, you look so miserable, if that’s what having a saviour is all about then forget it! Finding God in the ordinary is one of the hardest things to do…giving others the gift of your story, as you are doing, may make your life appear more awesome than it is in the living, but when you look back you’ll see the enormity of what you are doing one step at a time TODAY! Please email me I have a radio show I’d love to invite you on to talk about the de-churched
    You are doing a wonderful job! Vivienne

  9. Oh, Jess! LOVED this post. “That little Israelite on my shoulder…” Yeah. Hey, I know that guy, too! Let the floodgates open, friend. Tears are gifts, cleansing, healing gifts. Thanks for this loveliness this morning.
    Diana Trautwein recently posted..31 Days in which I am Saved by Beauty – Day 8My Profile

  10. Echoing Diana….love this post. Totally love the “little Israelite on my shoulder” picture. Mine is a woman who sounds like the wife from Fiddler on the Roof. Not really, but I totally get what you are saying there.
    alissa recently posted..Crusty Ketchup, Vol. 2My Profile

  11. Yes we’ve also experienced both sides of the coin and still experiencing lots of kindness after years of brokeness and surrender. God is amazing and wants to bless us (and not in the ‘prosperity gospel’ kind of way LOL).
    Michelle recently posted..Children deserve equality too! Part 1My Profile

  12. This was awesome. This paragraph kicked my ass. “So I’ve been mostly blocking it out. Because if I look this year square in the face and focus on it, I want to freak out a little. I want to cry and lift my hands to God in praise. I want to believe and not doubt and trust. It seems insane that I’m not already doing that, but it’s true.”
    I totally get his so much. I protect myself from feeling too much too. I’m afraid to feel it all, afraid of the disappointment if things get bad again. I’m used to bracing myself against the bad. I don’t know how to open myself up to the good. I’m in that place right now, it feels awkward!
    Tammy Perlmutter recently posted..Welcoming InMy Profile

  13. God has provided for us many, many times. And each time I feel humbled and unworthy. And what do I do…I still worry…and He still blesses and I wonder why. I guess I’m a little thick headed. But He wants me know how much He loves me and how much I can trust Him.
    Go ahead, close your eyes and raise your hands, it’s very freeing. God’s presence is found in the praises of His people.
    Bless you!
    Sandpiper recently posted..19 WeeksMy Profile

  14. Great stuff. I feel you. I’ve been in that broken by kindness place before. Don’t be afraid of letting the kindness do its work…
    kim recently posted..sweaterMy Profile

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